Exotic Passions

It’s not always rainbows and butterflies. “You’re always so happy! positive! Are you ever mad? You’re so bubbly!” Yes I agree I’m mostly always happy. It’s like a smile is always on my face even when I’m not happy. I can’t help it, it’s really natural. But I have my days where I kinda lose it and when I lose it, I kinda get depressed. Okay very depressed. It’s not that I hate anyone, it’s just that people nowadays are just so stupid. Yesterday was just not my day, I felt so angry and just alone. I love my friends. I can’t live without them and I mostly always make them laugh or smile but somedays, rarely, I’m mad at them. Here’s the thing… they did nothing wrong. Just one of those days when everything and everyone just makes you mad and angry. I felt so mad at myself and bad for calling my friend’s laugh annoying and just kinda being bitchy yesterday. I apologized to her. I realized I can’t be mean without regrets. I always apologize but why do I do it sometimes? I’m the happiest and I get that I’m too nice sometimes. Actually no, I’m not too nice anymore. I will admit I keep myself guarded. I don’t let anyone in so easily, not anymore. But that doesn’t mean I can guard myself from the people that have been there with me from the start. I feel bad. I feel mean. I feel horrible. I’m not this kind of a person to be quiet especially in history yesterday. I just don’t know anymore.

Okay girls just cause your boyfriend breaks up with you doesn’t mean you can start being a slut. Okay clubbing? Shots? All this? Calm down. It’s not the end of the world. I’m sorry but who was there for you when you were having trouble with your friends? When you cried over your ex boyfriend? Umm did you forget? Now you’re “married” to a girl who you always complain about. Okay I’m not a little kid, I don’t get angry over stuff like that but the fact that now you’re ignoring me, that’s what bugs me. I’m not going to text you because frankly I don’t care anymore. I’m done with your drama even though we’re family, I’m tired of it. It’s not my fault he broke up with you but it’s not his fault you’re acting like this. Act your age. You’re 18, have some respect for yourself. 

I wish people would grow up. Almost two months of being a vegetarian but I’ve realized that meat has some chemical that the brain needs and maybe that’s why I’ve been having a short temper. I love my friends, tomorrow’s a new day to start again. March is coming and my goal is to finally do a 500 freestyle. Also I haven’t stammered/ stuttered at all today. I think, knock on wood, it’s going away. I love talking and just not feeling embarrassed. Now I feel free to just talk and not stammer. It feels so good. Another goal is to get higher self esteem and confidence. It takes one day at a time, Chrissy. 

Oh remember him? The guy I wrote about a lot? Honestly I think I look at him as a friend now. Did anything happen? I think my heart says to just let go and give up. Think about it Chrissy, he did all that to those girls and had like 3 texts the last time you saw his phone. Obviously they’re all just girls, probably feeling like how you once felt, special. But whatever what’s meant to be will be right? But right now there are no feelings. The happiness and feelings that I used to have aren’t there anymore. He’s like every other guy now. I act bipolar when I mention him but I think I just faced reality. But what do I know anyways? I’m not gonna assume, we’ll just have to kick back and wait for the future…